First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
