oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
