If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
