honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I will be naked everywhere
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
