Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
