Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
