Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
