i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
