That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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