I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
