K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
