dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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