i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
