Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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