census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
