New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
