woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
