Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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