My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
