I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
