i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
