"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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