god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
