Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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