so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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