new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
