The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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