Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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