dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
