i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
