I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
is wine microwaveable?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He? As in you personified your dick?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
