He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
