Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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