Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
