Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
