i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
