I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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