bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
