So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My orgasm happened in two different decades
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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