K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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