One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
