i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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