We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My liver just broke up with me...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
