Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i drank out of a bidet.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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