my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We need a shit load of segways right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
