my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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