I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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