you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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