is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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