I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
