he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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