when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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