i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
