I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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