Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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