I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
