sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
