making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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