I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
