this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
