as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
