you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we're chasing vodka with high fives
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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