I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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